We've all done it...or rather, I'd like to think we've all done it...fallen for that person that adores you then leaves you then comes back then takes off then...you know the drill. But what do you do when that relationship finally becomes something solid that you want to grow? How do you survive the pitfalls of falling into old habits and still hang on to the chemistry that keeps you coming back to each other for more? Here are some of my discoveries from personal experience.
1. Forgive
This is a hard one for many people, and what makes it even harder is that little voice inside us which says "Oh, but I DO forgive him now that he's being nice!" It's the conditional aspect of that forgiveness that doesn't work. If you're asking someone else to amend their ways, you have to be prepared to trust them anew as well. You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT always be on the lookout for something bad... "Oh, look, his cell phone shows he called a girl and didn't tell me about it. See, he must be cheating...that bastard." No snooping, no poking, and especially no PUSHING when it comes to allowing this person to have another chance. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it makes you vulnerable. That's why this is at the top of the list. Because it's the hardest part and if you don't think you can do this, no matter how much you love the person, you're not prepared to start again. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, it just means moving FORWARD. And that's what doing this is all about, right?
2. Be clear
Make your terms clear and unequivocal. One of the most important things that has helped me in my relationship with (we'll call him)***** this time around was the WAY we got back together this last time. Without going into the gory details, it was made very clear to him by me that things would have to be different from how they were the previous six hundred times. Now, one of the chronic problems that we the leave-ees seem to suffer from is an inability to law down the law, to say, "you are important to me, but this is non-negotiable." I finally had gone through enough pain to be able to say, "I love you, but this needs to be something different this time." The good news for us would-be doormats is that asking for clarity does not mean asking for the world. I didn't have to say "You'll call me every day" or "You won't talk to me about other women ever again"...those came organically. It was the simple action of being FIRM and essentially saying, "I love you but I love my sanity more." And when Tony saw I meant business, I think he realized not only how much his previous waffling had hurt me, but how much FUN it could be to start from scratch with a committed, new relationship without the panic and fear of having to get to know the person.
3. Communicate.
Really.Okay yes, every therapist/self-esteem writer/relationship guru says this and there are umpteen books about the topic. But what I think many of us don't realize is that communication isn't just about frequency or quantity...it's about quality.***** and I talk every day now, yes, it's true, but there is a difference to our communication now. It is hallmarked by that terrifying trait: honesty. Honesty about what thrills us, what scares us, what hurts us, and yes, honesty about what we don't want to share. Many of us mistake telling our significant other everything for intimacy, when that is far from what makes a relationship tick. I'm not saying keep huge secrets from your love, but it's not necessary to lay everything out on the table all at once in a pool of emotional vomit and say, "okay, here it is, love me or leave me." I'm a HUGE believer in being accepted as I am, but I also know that no one person, not even the love of my life, is capable of handling ALL the stuff that goes on in my head. So I save some of it for my therapist, some of it for my journal, some of it for my girlfriends, and some of it for him. The joyful part is being able to share certain things with him, simple or deep, silly or serious, that I DON'T necessarily share with other people, and yes, talking occasionally about things from the past that we need to change if they actually come up. And I am clear now about things that I need to change and if I feel that I'm having trouble changing them, I let him know that at least I'm working on them, so that he realizes it's a process here, not sudden perfection.
4. Expect happiness!
So many times we have tried again and not succeeded in our relationship because one or the other of us was expecting failure. Well, part of doing things differently is expecting good things to come out of this, not expecting a repeat of the past. Once you've passed step one, you should be able to say "Okay, this is a different relationship now. Which means the outcome could be different." And that is another JOYFUL THING! Simple joys in the relationship become big ones. I remember the first time (in this incarnation) ***** sent me flowers for a special occasion....at first I was preparing myself for sadness, saying "Oh, of course he won't bother to send flowers...he never has before, why would he now?" and then I realized what an AWFUL burden that is to put on him and the relationship. So instead, I changed my focus to other things that he DOES do for me, and lo and behold, a dozen beautiful red roses and a loving card came on that special occasion and I was able to enjoy them rather than keep score and check that little bit of goodness as "done" on my list. Which brings me to the next point
5. No scorekeeping!
This goes for EVERY relationship, and it's hard as hell to do. While yes, a relationship should be even and give and take and we should feel a partnership in them, there is no such thing as COMPLETELY equal in a relationship. There will always be times when one person is giving more than the other, and one person is receiving more than the other. And if you haven't let go of the past, it's very easy to think "Okay, he/she has to prove him/herself now, so I've got 100 points, and I'm gonna sit back until he/she catches up" WRONG!!! Clean slate, remember? You can't spend the rest of your life or even the rest of your DAY keeping score and expect there to be any measure of happiness. We give out of love, not because we want something back. And quite often, it's that wanting something back that encourages one's partner to NOT give because they feel the want want want coming off of you like a vacuum cleaner. Give freely, but not with expectation. And be happy when you are given to...receive it gladly!Also, part of this is realizing the things that YOU may have contributed to in the past that pushed you apart. Take responsibility for your own actions and if you HAVE to keep score, keep it with yourself...use it as a tool to monitor your OWN growth rather than to penalize or laud your love.
